Often times we are on the receiving end of comments about our body. They often are said to us by loved ones, a friend or even someone we just met. These comments tend to make us feel a variety of emotions based on how we might categorize the comments as either “good” or “bad”. Based on the comment, we may feel bad, we feel good, or we may even feel conflicted, because it was still a comment we didn’t solicit.
This is what I want to discuss in this post. What to do when someone does comment and how to handle a comment that may seem “good”, but it’s not, because there are so many other ways to compliment someone not based on their body. Because is there such a thing as a “good” body comment when commenting on someone’s body? I’d say no, especially if unsolicited.
It’s so prevalent in our society to comment on another’s body. Just think about all the social settings you’ve ever been in. You don’t have to go far in your recollection to find one. We all have them, the ones that sting probably stick out more prominently. It may be harder to recall what we’d deem as a compliment. However, even when that comment seems like a compliment, because of the soup of diet culture we all live in, a “good comment” isn’t good, because of it’s coming from the toxic place of diet culture.
A brief aside about diet culture, or even fitness culture for that matter, where the thin ideal and the pursuit of it is equated to morality, goodness and worthiness of a person. And if you are not pursuing those things or living those things, then somehow you are not a good or moral person.
Commenting on another person’s body can be a dangerous place to find ourselves. Because we never know what someone is going through in their life or with their health, and this can have an effect on how they look, even when we might think it’s a “good compliment”, it’s best to just steer clear.
If you want to compliment someone, stick with something that they have done well, or how they make you feel. These types of compliments show you value this person for a myriad of reasons and not for how they look. Focusing on these types of compliments steers us entirely away from commenting on someone’s body and moves us out of diet culture completely.
Below I’ll discuss how to set boundaries to disengage with diet cultures talk about assessing bodies as well as some ideas for how to share a compliment with the people around you.
Set Boundaries
Here are a few ideas for how to respond when you receive a comment on your body. Many of them come down to changing the subject immediately by asking the person something about themselves.
- I kindly request that you refrain from making comments about my body or its appearance. Do you have any new passions or hobbies? How about we talk about what you’ve been up to lately.
- I’d prefer to change the topic to something much more meaningful. Do you have any new passions or hobbies?
- This topic/Your comment is a trigger for me and I prefer to talk about topics we both have a passion for.
- Your focus on my body makes me uncomfortable. I’d rather talk about what you’ve been up to since I last saw you.
- Comments about a person’s body can be hurtful, so let’s aim for a more supportive and uplifting conversation. Have any upcoming plans? Any passion projects lately?
- Instead of a comment on my body, I’d prefer in the future if you’d compliment the hard work I’ve put into accomplishing a goal or my consistency in showing up even with my busy schedule.
- It’s important to me that our conversations are supportive and uplifting. Let’s avoid comments about each other’s bodies, including our own, and instead celebrate our accomplishments and shared experiences.
Find what feels most natural to you base on the situation you find yourself in. These are just a few examples, play with making them your own. Or mix and match examples from above to find a few comeback responses the next time your in an uncomfortable situation.
Compliments that have nothing to do with a person’s body
Because our society is so entrenched in diet culture, which places a disproportionate emphasis on thinness as the ultimate measure of worthiness and attractiveness, here are some ways to compliment others that don’t place worth on their bodies.
- You’re such a great listener!
- You’re a joy to be around!
- I really admire how hard you work on the things you’re passionate about.
- You’re such a good teammate on this project.
- I love your style! Or you’re style is so cool!
- You inspire me with your knowledge on this topic.
- Awesome, presentation in our meeting today!
- Your laugh is infectious.
- You’re radiant today. Your soul/life force is just burning from you.
I do want to acknowledge that I work in fitness and people are making extraordinary strides towards goals that they have and that will mean friends and love ones will notice this dedication and work and may feel like commenting on the progress or changes this person is making. What can we do in these situations when we are noticing the work people have put in to their fitness routine or towards their goals. How do we celebrate them without resorting to the trappings of diet culture. Below are some ways you can do that without putting value on how they look.
- You’re so strong! Or you’re getting so strong!
- Your consistency is awesome!
- Your dedication to learning new things is exciting!
- You’re a joy to workout with.
- Your determination to find time for yourself is inspiring.
- Your balance is consistently improving.
- I want to celebrate your dedication to your goals. You rule!
These are just a few phases to choose from. Find the phrases that feel authentic to you and that make sense for the situation. Or based on these examples, come up with your own.
I know if you are reading this article you are an individuals who’s striving to remove yourselves from diet culture. It is our responsibility to redirect the comments we receive, as well as the ones we give, to promote a mindset that values the human in front of us, their consistency, their determination and celebrate body diversity. Together we can do our part to change the prevalence of diet culture norms on our lives and maybe even the world. That’s my hope anyway.